


beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

by wlwpeggycarter



Series: inspired by [2]
Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Recovering, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Getting Back Together, Happy Ending, M/M, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Suicidal Ideation, not iw canon!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 05:04:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14825807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wlwpeggycarter/pseuds/wlwpeggycarter
Summary: Bucky doesn’t cry, he doesn’t remember the last time he cried. Decades of torture and brainwashing will do that to a person. But in this moment, as the early morning sun rises and casts a warm light on Steve’s face, Bucky could see himself crying. He could see himself wiping away a single tear as he gently closes the journal and places it back in the stack with the other journals. He could see himself taking a few deep breaths as he backs out of Steve’s bedroom door, getting his last good look of Steve, and closing the door without a sound. He could see himself blink away blurry eyes before he climbs out the back window for the last time.





	beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth

**Author's Note:**

> this is another song inspired fic & is a stand alone fic and can def be read separate from the other fic in the series!! the sections of the fic are inspired by different verses of the song, in case there was any confusion about the set up  
> the song is: samson by regina spektor, it's super emotional and i def recommend listening to it :) 
> 
> warnings: slight suicidal ideation on steve's part toward the end of the fic (if anyone needs more specific details, please do not hesitate to reach out to me! i'm wlwpeggycarter on tumblr) 
> 
> thanks for reading, i really hope y'all like it <333

_ You are my sweetest downfall _ __  
_ I loved you first, I loved you first _ __  
_ Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth _ __  
_ I have to go, I have to go _ _  
_ __ Your hair was long when we first met

 

“You always knew how to cheer me up, huh?” 

“I was a quick study back then, you know that. Wasn’t hard for me to pick up what worked and what didn’t.” 

“I still think you are, ya know. A quick study.” 

Bucky smirks and nods his head, almost like a reflex, like it was something he used to do before. He feels awkward talking in Steve’s kitchen, but apparently his body doesn’t. His stance feels natural, his proximity to Steve feels right, it’s just  _ him _ that feels grossly out of place. 

Steve is a weakness for Bucky, Steve is an indulgence for Bucky, Steve is someone that Bucky does not deserve. But Bucky needs Steve just as much as Steve needs Bucky. These visits that he allows himself are bitter-sweet for the both of them. Steve knows that Bucky is going to leave in the morning, and Bucky knows that everytime he leaves Steve, it gets harder and harder to pull himself from the bed. 

But they both keep allowing these visits, they both welcome them. Steve never knows when Bucky is going to sneak into his apartment, and to be completely honest, neither does Bucky most of the time. He just knows when he needs to see Steve, and when he feels the urge to lay with him and run his fingers through Steve’s hair, he slides through the back window and waits for Steve. 

He’s getting weaker, he’s getting too selfish, he’s getting emotional and too attached, and he knows what that means. He either needs to commit or finally cut ties. 

But Bucky loves Steve, he knows that he does, he has always loved Steve, but he knows he could never have this. Bucky knows he could never live the domestic life that Steve wants: he could never be stuck in one place for that long, he could never ensure that Steve would always be safe with him around, and he could never love Steve the way he deserves. 

“You gonna stay this time?” Steve asks, and he’s also leaning against the countertop now. Steve is a fool in love, but so is Bucky. He almost says yes. 

“You know I can’t.” Bucky does what he has to do, and he hates it. He hates saying no everytime and he hates the way Steve’s face breaks every time he says no. Bucky is waiting for Steve to kick him out one of these days, and a part of Bucky wishes that he would. It would be easier for the both of them, to cut ties with anger rather than sadness. 

“Okay. Okay.” 

Maybe saying it over and over will make the situation okay. Maybe saying it more than once will make Steve okay. Maybe Bucky should just go and never come back, and that would make Steve okay. 

 

\-- -- -- -- -- 

 

“Your hair used to be longer. Did you cut it?” Steve is so sweet about it too, not being too critical about the hack job Bucky currently has on his head. 

“Yeah, I was getting tired of how it looked so I just.” Bucky finishes with a scissors motion with his hand, and hopes Steve doesn’t delve into that admission too much. It holds a lot that Bucky could admit.

“Do you ever think of cutting it really short again? Like how it was back then.” Steve gestures with his hands how Bucky’s hair looked before, and Bucky appreciates it. He’s sure Steve did it as kind of a reflex thing, but Bucky likes the confirmation that his memories of how he looked before are right.

This is the first time Bucky has been asked this question. Which should not be a surprise, because the only person he occasionally speaks to is Steve, but it still takes him by surprise.

“Uh, I’m not sure. I hadn’t ever thought about it.” Bucky answers honestly, and it isn’t even a hard question, but it gets Bucky thinking. 

Steve drops it after that, and they just continue to talk. Or, Steve does most of the talking and Bucky asks a lot of questions. Bucky doesn’t do anything that could possibly be interesting enough to hold a conversation, and he likes to hear Steve talk about things that he does. 

“I was thinking of getting a dog. I’ve always wanted one, but before we didn’t have money or space and I had all the allergies. But now that those aren’t restrictions for me anymore, I think I’m going to get one.” 

Steve looks excited. Bucky wants Steve to be this happy about getting a dog, it’s all he ever wanted for Steve. “What kinda dog?”

“Maybe like a golden retriever, or maybe a husky. Definitely a rescue though.” Steve has his righteous eyebrows on, and Bucky finds it incredibly endearing. 

“Get the retriever. It suits you.” Bucky knocks his toes against Steve’s, and Steve does the same back, and balance is restored in their little world again. 

 

\-- -- -- -- -- 

 

Bucky doesn’t sleep when he visits Steve, and if Steve knows this he doesn’t let on to the fact. Usually Bucky just lays with Steve while he sleeps, watches the rise and fall of his back, listens to his even and slow breathing, runs his fingers lightly over Steve’s cheek and jaw. Steve is beautiful when he sleeps, and Bucky never knows if a visit will be the last visit. 

He knows now, though. This has to be the last visit, for both his sake and Steve’s. Bucky is no good for Steve, but Steve is very good for Bucky. The imbalance is too much for Bucky to not feel guilty about, so he is going to leave tonight and cut off the visits. 

He’s sitting at Steve’s desk, something old and crappy from an antique store, and picks a journal from the pile and starts writing. Steve will find it eventually, hopefully before it’s too late. 

_ Steve,  _

 

_ I have been selfish, extremely so. I kept coming back and taking what you had to offer and I never gave you anything in return. I took and took and I am sorry. You deserve better, you do. You deserve better; you deserve all the good the universe has to offer and I cannot give that to you. Please find someone who can, find someone who can love you like you deserve.  _

Steve is very smart, was always the smartest kid on the block, so he should understand. He should be able to understand that Bucky is trying to say that he loves him. Writing it makes it very real, putting it on paper is worse than saying it because he can’t take it back afterwards. 

He picks up the pen and continues writing. 

 

_ I want you to know that you have given me so much. You have given me so many memories and words that I cherish, and that I will continue to cherish for the rest of my life. You gave me a home, for however many times that I have come to your apartment, I want you to know that it was a home to me. You let me be with you, and just being with you has helped me in ways that words cannot describe. You have given me things that I cannot put into words, things that I should not put into writing. I am grateful for all of it, and I desperately need you to know that.  _

 

_ You have always given so much, and now I want you to take something for yourself. Take time for yourself. Take love for yourself. Take a painting class for yourself. Please, Steve. Please take the rest of this life that you have and live it for yourself, be the selfish one for once.  _

This is the cowards way out, Bucky knows this. Bucky is a coward when it comes to Steve, Bucky knows this and so does Steve. This is what time does to someone, makes them a coward and breaks them down until they are writing goodbye notes to the most important person in their life. 

_ This is goodbye, and I mean it this time. I have not been good to you lately, Steve, and I am so sorry. I am sorry for always letting you down, I am sorry for always rejecting you, I am sorry for never being able to give you what you deserve. It is over now, you can finally get some rest and start a good life.  _

_ I promise I will be safe, and I promise to leave you alone from today forward.  _

Bucky thinks about how he wants to end his goodbye note. He’s already shown most his cards, so a few more won’t hurt. 

 

_ I have to go. A large part of me does not want want to leave you, but I know I have to. It is the right thing to do for both of us, I hope that you can see that. Maybe not today but eventually. I have to go, but please remember to take advantage of this life.  _

_ Love, Bucky _

 

Bucky doesn’t cry, he doesn’t remember the last time he cried. Decades of torture and brainwashing will do that to a person. But in this moment, as the early morning sun rises and casts a warm light on Steve’s face, Bucky could see himself crying. He could see himself wiping away a single tear as he gently closes the journal and places it back in the stack with the other journals. He could see himself taking a few deep breaths as he backs out of Steve’s bedroom door, getting his last good look of Steve, and closing the door without a sound. He could see himself blink away blurry eyes before he climbs out the back window for the last time, and when his vision clears, he could see himself jumping toward the rising run with finality.

 

**& &&&&** __  
_ Samson went back to bed _ __  
_ Not much hair left on his head _ __  
_ He ate a slice of wonder bread and went right back to bed _ __  
_ And history books forgot about us and the bible didn't mention us _ _  
_ __ And the bible didn't mention us, not even once

 

Bucky sulks to the kitchen and pulls his ramen from the microwave and grabs a spoon, and makes his way back to bed. It’s been six months since he left Steve, and while Bucky does not regret his decision, he can’t deny the fact that these past six months have been absolute shit. His apartment is small and dark, which would usually be a good thing, but it is only adding to Bucky’s depressed mood. 

He misses Steve. He misses the way he would sometimes run his fingers through Bucky’s hair, he misses Steve’s quiet gasp when Bucky would stick his cold toes against Steve’s calf, he misses the warmth and gentleness that Steve would just exude. Six months is the longest he and Steve have been apart since Bucky came back, and it is taking a toll on Bucky. It’s frightening to miss a person this much, terrifying to be emotionally controlled by a single man-. 

That thought is quickly shut down as a shiver runs through Bucky’s whole body, and instead he chooses to focus on his ramen. He slowly spins the noodles around his spoon, and watches as the end of one of the longer noodles hangs off the edge. 

_ Great _ , he thinks,  _ this is what my life has come to. Thinking noodles are interesting _ . 

There isn’t much to distract him in the apartment either, he’s wary of technology and he didn’t have much to move in with. Bucky looks around at the stained white walls, the hardwood floor with small nicks in it, and notices that someone patched up the wall by the front door. A family must have lived here before him, one with a small child. 

Bucky can’t stand to sit in the apartment any longer, so he grabs his hat and coat and locks the door behind him. He doesn’t know what he wants to do, but he knows he’ll figure something out.

 

\-- -- -- -- -- 

 

_ Captain America and His New Mystery Lover: How Does She Handle their Relationship?  _

_ Featured: personal interview with Captain America, their relationship timeline, stories from close friends, and more!  _

 

Bucky knows it would be stupid to buy the magazine. He knows it would be risky and irresponsible. He knows it would just bring up old feelings, it would resurface thoughts that he has _locked_ _down_. He slaps a ten dollar bill on the counter and doesn’t wait for his change, instead he makes his way to a bench he noticed a couple blocks back. 

Bucky kept his word, he stayed away from Steve and hasn’t bothered him since. Even though he knows that he could swing by Steve’s apartment without him ever knowing, he stops himself every time. It would be unfair to Steve, and if Bucky is anything, he is a man of his word. He has stayed away, just like he promised. 

Bucky wonders if Steve found the goodbye note in his journal. Maybe Steve read the note and listened to Bucky’s plea for him to find someone, for him to be with someone who was good and could give him what he needed. Or maybe Steve never found the note, maybe he just realized Bucky was never coming back and decided to move on because he decided to. 

Bucky is pained by both ideas, but he has no right to be hurt. He decided to leave Steve, he decided to be the coward and run away, so he can’t be upset. He has no right, and that’s just how it is. 

Bucky flips to the story about Steve, and cringes at all the blurry, cropped pictures of Steve with his girlfriend. Bucky doesn’t care about stories from Steve’s friends, he doesn’t care about the timeline, and he doesn’t care about the quiz that shows if he’s compatible with Steve or not. 

Bucky cares about the interview with Steve. Bucky skips over the awkward pleasantries between Steve and the interviewer, he’s heard enough of Steve’s awkward small talk to last him a lifetime. 

 

**Interviewer:** _ So, where did you and Sharon meet? _

**Captain America:** _We met at work, actually. We worked a few cases together and got along really well, and here we are._

 

**I:** _ Oh, come on, Captain! Give us more, there has to be more.  _

**CA:** _Haha, I guess. I really don’t know what to say._

 

**I:** _ Okay, let me see. When did you know that you were interested in her? _

**CA:** _ We were in the field, apprehending someone we had been investigating. She was fearless, she didn’t even hesitate to take down the suspect. I was so impressed, and I asked her out after we wrapped up the scene.  _

 

**I:** _ How touching. What was your first date like? _

**CA:** _ Oh, uhm, it was wonderful. We went to a little restaurant and we talked a lot and got to know each other very well.  _

 

**I:** _ Now, this is your second serious relationship, the first being with Agent Carter. How does it feel, to have that kind of support and connection again? _

**CA:** _ It feels nice. I really enjoy it.  _

 

Bucky gawks at the magazine. That’s not true, Carter was not Steve’s first relationship. It was Bucky, Bucky was Steve’s first relationship. And it wasn’t like that information wasn’t public, it was revealed during the trial that Bucky and Steve used to date, that they had dated for a while before the war. Steve had even confirmed it, and that was that. 

Bucky isn’t hurt that the interviewer didn’t mention Bucky, he doesn’t know her and she doesn’t know him. Should she have done her job better, yes, but that’s not his problem. He’s hurt that Steve didn’t correct her when she said that Carter was his first relationship. He’s devastated, if he is being honest with himself. 

What Bucky and Steve had was serious, it was exclusive, they were in  _ love _ . They shared an apartment, they shared a bed, and they occasionally shared a fork when things got desperate. Bucky knows that it wasn’t always easy back then, it was the 30s and nothing was easy, but now it’s easier for Steve. It would have been easy for him to correct her and remind her that he loved Bucky first. 

Steve is it for Bucky, he knows that as much as he knows that the Earth revolves around the sun. Bucky knew that before the war, before the train, before pulling Steve from the river, before he spent days at Steve’s new apartment. Bucky knows that Steve is the love of his life, and he has known that for a long time. 

Steve may not feel the same about Bucky, which is heartbreaking but the way things are sometimes, but he could have corrected the interviewer. He could have stood up for what they once had, he could have made an effort to remind her that he once loved Bucky. Bucky knew buying this magazine was a bad idea, he knew that it was foolish, but he has always had bad impulse control and it was only a matter of time before he found out. 

Bucky throws the magazine away without finishing the interview, and sulks home. Steve forgot about what they once had, it clearly isn’t important to him anymore, and maybe the world forgot about Bucky and Steve too. Maybe Bucky is too tarnished and bloody to be associated with Steve, so they all pushed it from their memory. 

Steve doesn’t think it’s relevant to his narrative anymore, and that feels worse than anything he has ever endured. Steve doesn’t care that they once spent all night on the roof together, just talking and drinking and laughing, and they eventually saw the sun rise that same day. Steve doesn’t care to mention that he and Bucky dated seriously for years, that they lived in their apartment together as boyfriends. Steve doesn’t care that they were once deeply and madly in love. 

Bucky has long accepted the fact that he can never be the same man that he was before. He knows that, and he is slowly trying to make his peace with that. He also knows that Steve is not the same man that he once was, and Bucky accepted that with open arms. The past is the past, and he can’t get it back. But that doesn’t mean that Steve can pretend parts of the past didn’t happen. 

Bucky slams his front door closed with more force than he needs to, and sinks down to the floor. He’s been crying for days now, and today he has a reason to be crying, but some days he doesn’t have a reason. He’ll notice a single tear roll down his cheek, and after he wipes it away, he’ll notice another. It’s unsettling, being allowed to express his emotions. Today he has a reason to be crying, and he prays to anyone that is listening that it passes soon. 

Bucky wants to reach out to Steve more than ever now, just to understand what happened to make Steve omit their relationship from his past, but he knows he can’t do that. He just has to live with the knowledge of the interview, that Steve doesn’t care anymore, he las to live with that and be okay with it. He’s done worse, so he can do this for Steve. 

 

**& &&&&** __  
_ You are my sweetest downfall _ __  
_ I loved you first, I loved you first _ __  
_ Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads _ __  
_ But they're just old light, they're just old light _ _  
_ __ Your hair was long when we first met

 

**_Brooklyn Rooftop, 1938._ ** __  
  


“Did ya know that I knew you were gonna be in my life forever the first day we met?” 

“Oh yeah? How’d ya know?” Steve looks smug, like he knows what Bucky is going to say, but Bucky is sure he is going to surprise Steve. 

“Because that nasty bruise you gave me took five weeks to completely fade.” Now it’s Bucky’s turn to look smug, because that is certainly not what Steve was expecting.

Steve squawks and laughs at Bucky’s unexpected reasoning, and the noise warms Bucky’s heart. He’s so  _ gone _ over Steve and it’s obvious to anyone paying attention, but luckily it’s just them on this roof tonight.  

“How many times do I have to tell you, it was an accident! I thought you were that asshole William from the third floor.” Steve has always used this as his defense, and Bucky believes him just fine, but it’s just so easy to get Steve riled up about it. 

“Yeah, alright. If that’s still the story you’re sticking with…”

In their teasing and laughing they managed to turn so they were both facing each other, and Steve’s smile took Bucky’s breath away. He knows what Steve looks like when he’s happy, Bucky is very dedicated to making sure that Steve smiles and laughs as much as possible, but it’s unusual to see Steve so unguarded. It’s so fucking good to see. 

Bucky slides his hand up Steve’s waist and then to his cheek, and just rests his hand there. Steve seems more than content with that, he nuzzles into Bucky’s hand and closes his eyes. Bucky loves him so much,  _ so much _ , sometimes he feels like he’ll burst with it. 

“I love you, Bucky.” Steve whispers, and he opens his eyes to see Bucky’s reaction. 

It is definitely not the first time they have said that to each other, but it just takes Bucky by surprise every time. He just can’t believe he gets to love Steve like this, and that Steve loves him back. 

“I love you too, so much.” Bucky doesn’t think before he pulls Steve into a kiss, a sweet and passionate press of lips, and it’s so nice to be up here and be  _ free _ . He doesn’t have to think about if any neighbors can hear them, he doesn’t have to keep his hands in his pockets to force them away from Steve. He doesn’t have to worry about loving Steve, he can just love him openly and freely. 

They just sit in silence for a moment, and it’s peaceful and unexpected, because it is so rare that they have a quiet moment to themselves. It’s always something with the neighbors, something with the bills, something about the family that Steve doesn’t have anymore. It’s always something, but now there is no something to bother them. 

“Bucky? Can I tell you somethin’ serious?”

“You know you can, Steve. You never have to ask.”

“You...you were the first person that I loved. I want you to know that, that I- I loved you long before anything else.” 

It doesn’t necessarily make sense because Steve is drunk from stolen liquor, but Bucky understands the sentiment and the overall point. It nearly brings him to tears, and not just because he’s drunk too. 

“You are the first love that ever meant anything to me, the first and only love that I ever want to mean anything. I want  _ you _ to know that, Steve Rogers.

 

\-- -- -- -- --

 

“My ma suspected us right from the bat, you know? She never said anything outright, but she would always make these comments that were less than subtle.” Steve laughs. He only talks about his mom when he’s drunk or going through a rough day, but Bucky is certain that enough time has passed for Steve to be mostly sober now. 

Bucky doesn’t question it, and goes with the flow of conversation. “Yeah, I kinda suspected that too. She was never that subtle with me either, always telling me to have you home by 10 and that she thought I was a good man for you.” 

“Yeah, she...she was something.” Steve says through tears. Steve tries so hard to be strong all the time, he puts up this wall and pretends to be fine all the time, but sometimes he can’t anymore and so many emotions come pouring out. 

Bucky gathers Steve in his arms, and holds him as tight as he can. He slowly rocks Steve back and forth and whispers phrases that are hopefully reassuring to hear. Bucky can take a pretty good guess as to what this is about, but he has no problem with waiting for Steve to explain what’s bothering him. 

“Bucky, I just- I miss her so much. I always miss her, and I’d do anything to just get her back, even for a couple minutes.” Steve is no longer heavily crying, it’s just a few stray tears making their way down his cheeks.

Bucky wipes them away, an unconscious action, and tries his best to comfort Steve. “Stevie, baby, I’d give my left arm for you to see her again, but that isn’t how this works. I do know that she’d want you to be happy, that above anything else, she’d want you to be out here living the life you deserve and smiling while doing it.”

Steve just nods and Bucky knows that his words mean next to nothing, so he tries something different. “I grew up believing that stars were people in heaven. I always thought that when someone died, if their soul was bright and pure enough, that they would become a star. The brighter the star, the better their soul had to be.” 

Steve nods again, like he understands the words but is having a hard time following Bucky’s point. Truthfully, Bucky doesn’t fully know his point either, he just knows he has to do something to make Steve feel better. “I think- No, I know that the brightest star out there is your mom. She was so good to you, to me, to  _ us _ , to everyone that she met. She was the brightest soul on the block, so she’s the brightest star up there.” 

Now Bucky is crying too, because of course he misses Sarah, she was like a second mom to Bucky. She was always so sweet and kind to Bucky, even when there were times when Bucky didn’t really deserve it. Like when he and Steve got into this huge fight about something useless, and they both said some things that crossed a lot of lines, Sarah sat him down later and made sure that he understood the importance of a good apology and once in a lifetime friends. She was a genuinely good person, and she deserved more time with her son. 

With a thick voice, Bucky closes with his most important point. “I also know that she is looking down on us right now, from that very bright star up there, and she is smiling at us. She is making sure you’re happy and safe, she’s makin’ sure you’re art table is well stocked, she- she’s even makin’ sure that the guys down at the docks don’t give me a hard time. She’s rooting for us up on her bright star, I just know it.”

 

\-- -- -- -- -- 

Neither of them are drunk anymore. The liquor has long since been processed by their bodies, so now they’re just quietly watching the sun rise. Bucky probably has to leave for work soon and Steve has to go down and get a few hours of sleep before his shift starts, but they don’t talk about that. They watch the sunrise over the skyline, they watch as the light reflects off the windows around them, and they listen as people start to get ready for the day around them.

It’s a moment of peace that Bucky doesn’t think he’ll ever forget, a moment where he and Steve are holding each other until their time is up. 

 

**& &&&&** __  
_ Samson came to my bed _ __  
_ Told me that my hair was red _ __  
_ Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed _ __  
_ Oh I cut his hair myself one night _ __  
_ A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light _ __  
_ And he told me that I'd done alright _ __  
_ And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light _ _  
_ __ And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

 

Bucky heard it before he saw it. He heard the screams of the people on the street, he heard the crash of buildings around him, he heard car alarms go off, and he heard a mechanical screech that was likely the source of the chaos.

Bucky knew something like this might happen again, another space invasion or alien takeover, so he already has a planned escape route. He’s just about to climb into his crawl space and escape through the roof, when he hears someone on the street scream, “Captain America! Holy shit!”

Bucky has never run out his front door so fast, he didn’t even check to make sure that the door closed all the way. Once Bucky reaches the street, he sees why the person screamed for Steve. He was single handedly fighting some huge, blue alien without his shield. Bucky quickly scanned the field for Steve’s shield, and once he located it there was no doubt in his mind that he would do everything to make sure Steve got out of this alive. 

Bucky quickly ran to the car that the shield had slid under, and he did so in a way that would not distract Steve or the alien, and once he got it he reanalyzed the situation. Steve was still fighting the alien, but the alien was quickly adapting to Steve’s fighting style and hitting his weak points. Bucky watched in what must have been slow motion as the alien wrapped it’s giant, clawed hand around Steve’s face and started to squeeze. 

Bucky didn’t react logically, he didn’t attack with any sort of plan or regard for personal safety. He ran at the alien from the left side, jumped on a car that was closest to the alien’s neck, and ran the shield right through its neck. Bucky watched as the alien collapsed to the ground with a thud, its head rolling in another direction, and saw its blood run through the cracks in the pavement with a shudder. 

A deep groan brought Bucky’s attention back to Steve, to  _ Steve _ oh God, and Bucky instantly went into survival mode. He quickly detached the clawed hand from Steve’s face and carried him to semi-safety behind a giant plant in front of his apartment building. Steve started to fight him, which makes sense because Steve couldn’t immediately know it was him, and Bucky does his best to calm him down.

“I- Steve. Steve, it’s Bucky, it’s me. It’s okay, you’re safe, but you have to relax.”

Steve goes lax in his arms for a second, then quickly turns around to confirm what he heard. Steve looks shocked beyond anything Bucky has ever seen, and Bucky would have found it funny had it not been the first time they’ve seen each other in a year and a half. 

Steve brings a shaky, gloved hand to the side of Bucky’s head, and tucks his hair behind his ear. Bucky knows what he’s looking for, of course he does, but he doesn’t say anything, just lets Steve look for a scar that he had gotten when he was saving Steve from an alley fight. They’re the only two people that know about that scar, and he doubts HYDRA or the US government had cared to catalog it anywhere. 

“Bucky, it’s- it’s really you.” Steve says, and his voice is wobbly and thick. His eyes aren’t watery, but Bucky knows that tears are always the last to come when Steve is emotional.

Bucky moves one of his hands to cover Steve’s hand, that is still on his face, and nods. He figures he can show Steve some vulnerability too, so he says in his own thick voice, “Yeah, Steve, I’m really here.”

Steve allows himself to hold Bucky for a moment longer, and then he shoves Bucky back by the shoulder and his face turns stone cold. Bucky can’t say he didn’t see it coming, that Steve wasn’t justified with this reaction, Bucky just didn’t think it would come this soon. 

“Why the fuck did you just leave? Wh-where have you been staying?” Steve is angry, and he has every right to be angry, and he also has every right to hear his questions answered by Bucky.

Bucky is scared. He’s scared to be truly and honestly vulnerable with Steve right now, because this is more than saying that he thinks Sarah Rogers is a star in the sky. It’s more than anything he’s ever revealed, but he can do this for Steve. He can give Steve what he needs, he can do that.

“I left because I wasn’t good for you. I would- I would just break into your house and stay with you, and then take off the next morning. You- you can’t tell me that was easy for you, Steve, that it was  _ good _ for you.”  

“How is that for you to decide for me? How could you make such a big decision without talking to me about it?” Steve brings up a good point, and Bucky understands where he is coming from, but Bucky also knows Steve very well. 

“You would never have told me to fuck off, and you know it. You would have let me break into your house forever if I never left, and that would have been emotional hell for you. I was being selfish, for- for so long all I did was take things from you, and I knew that I could never give you what you needed.” Bucky is slowly losing his composure, and it’s getting harder and harder to hide that fact. 

“Maybe the reason I never told you to leave was because I didn’t want you to leave! You’re my best friend, I always want you around.” Steve stops talking, but he still looks very contemplative. Bucky wants to pry and ask questions, but he doesn’t know if it’s his place anymore. “You- you wrote that in your goodbye letter to me. You said- you said you didn’t deserve me, that you never gave me anything back when you visited.” 

“You still believe that? After all this time, it hasn’t gotten through that thick skull of yours?” Steve looks truly shocked, and a little fond, but Bucky isn’t going to let himself think about that. It’s very unlikely that Steve still has any kind of romantic interest in him, they’ve spent so much time apart and Bucky did abandon him very suddenly. 

“Bucky, you gave me so much when you visited me. You gave me some kind of stability, you made me smile every time I walked through the front door and saw you lounging on my couch. Just knowing that you were always going to come back eventually made me happy, because it was  _ you _ . You make me happy Bucky, in whatever way I can have you.” 

“And then I never came back…” Bucky nods slowly with tears in his eyes, and allows himself a moment to think. Steve would never lie to him, he would never say these things to Bucky as some kind of joke. Steve genuinely means all of this, and-

“Why are you so quiet?” Steve is biting his lip, and Bucky wants more than anything to smooth out the confused crease between his eyebrows. But he can’t, he doesn’t know if Steve wants that. 

“No, I’m just thinking. Don’t worry.” Bucky smiles softly. This really isn’t the place for this conversation, what with the alien invasion behind them and the occasional small explosion that goes off, but it doesn’t look like this conversation is stopping anytime soon. 

“Can you think aloud? And I know that-”

“You know I hate doing that, Steve.” 

 

Steve and Bucky realize what just happened, they essentially finished each other’s sentences, and Bucky watches as Steve’s eyes slowly close in a smile, and Bucky can only assume that Steve watches the same thing on his face. 

“Okay, I’ll talk through it with you. Just because you asked so nicely.”

“I thought I was being selfish, that I was taking too much from you, that when I broke into your apartment time after time it was taking an emotional toll on you. Now- now I know that this is not the case, that you liked when I visited, I guess.”

Steve nods quickly, eyes wide, like he’s encouraging Bucky to make the big connection he’s waiting for. It’s such an endearing expression, it’s distracting Bucky from his thinking. 

“And this whole time we’ve been talking, I haven’t been thinking in terms of deserving or not. I’ve been thinking in terms of… of whether you want something or not, or that I can give you what you need now, like answers. Or that if you didn’t like me anymore, it’s not because I don’t deserve it because of who I am as a person, it’s just because of how I left and sometimes people grow apart.” 

Steve looks taken aback by something Bucky said, but he can’t stop his thinking aloud process, he feels like he’s just on the cusp of figuring out what he needs to. “You liked when I was around… you didn’t think I was being selfish or anything like that. You would have let me hang around for longer?” 

Steve nods again, and he still knows Bucky very well apparently, because he doesn’t interrupt even though Bucky knows he really wants to.

Bucky is a relatively smart guy, but he doesn’t want to make any assumptions. He knows what all of this is pointing too, of course he does, but he’d rather make a fool of himself than assume anything on Steve’s part. 

“I used to blame it on time, you know? That time was the reason I was fucked up, that time was the reason I couldn’t do anything right when it came to you. But it isn’t because of time, it was because of how I was reacting, I know that now. I just- I wasn’t ready, in the state I was in, I wasn’t ready to commit and be honest with you.” 

Steve looks confused, like he didn’t expect Bucky to say that, but he still looks hopeful. Bucky hopes he is assuming right in the kind of hope that it is. Bucky isn’t a coward anymore, so he can do this for Steve, he’s ready. “I’m still in love with you. I never doubted that, and I need you to know that. I’m always going to love you, even if- even if you’re still with Sharon and you don’t love me in the same way anymore. And that’s fine, of course, I just want you to be happy, above anything else, I want you to-"

Steve cuts off his rambling with a desperate kiss, and Bucky makes a shocked noise before he gets with the program and kisses Steve back. It’s desperate, their noses knock together at first and Bucky isn’t quite sure where to put his hands, but then everything is perfect. Bucky slides his hand up Steve’s waist, Steve tilts his head just so, and they kiss while aliens are invading New York and God knows what else is happening behind them. 

“Thanks for, uh, cutting me off there. I was about to get embarrassing real fast.” 

They still haven’t separated, Steve still hasn’t verbally responded to what he said, and while the kiss is a good indication, Bucky would still like to be absolutely sure. But he’s waiting for Steve, because he can do that now, he can wait and see what happens. 

“I’m not- I was never really with Sharon. Sharon needed to pretend to have a boyfriend for her parents, and I volunteered. We’re just friends.” Steve reassures him. 

Bucky still wants to know about the interview, the one he read in the magazine a year ago. He wants to ask, more than anything he wants to ask why Steve lied, but he waits. This can’t be the end of what Steve needs to say, so Bucky keeps waiting.

“Bucky, I  _ desperately _ need you to know that I never stopped loving you. I still love you as much as I did back in ‘37 when we left Brooklyn for the first time and pretended to be runaways, acting like we didn’t care about anything we left behind.” Steve says seriously, his body language showing this is very important to him, but his eyes have a teasing edge to them.

“You ass, that note was very important for me to write, and now you’re mocking me for it.” Bucky isn’t mad, how could he be mad when Steve just confessed that he still loved him, and he certainly isn’t nervous anymore. He’s happy, Bucky is happy and Steve is sitting across from him and he looks happy too. 

Bucky hates to ruin the mood, but, “I gotta ask, Steve. I read the interview you did about Sharon and you about a year ago. You- you didn’t correct the interviewer when she said that Carter was your first serious relationship. Why-why didn’t you say anything about us?”

Bucky knows his face is giving everything away, how sad and devastated he was when he read the interview. How confused he is now because Steve still loves him, but didn’t say anything before. 

“Oh, shit. Bucky, I hadn’t found your letter yet, and I just assumed you wanted to, like, disappear or something. I wasn’t going to ruin that for you by correcting some homophobic interviewer. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I guess not. I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you.” 

“Steve, don’t you dare apologize, okay? You did nothing wrong, none of this is your fault.” 

Now that Bucky is able to blink away the tears in his eyes and his emotions aren’t clouding his senses, he is able to take stock in his surroundings. The first thing he notices is that Steve has a nasty cut on his forehead, and it’s still bleeding and some of the blood is even going to his side bangs. 

Bucky doesn’t think he’ll ever forget how to take care of Steve, it’s like it will be forever ingrained in him from all those years he spent rubbing Steve’s back and making him tea. “Stevie, you’re bleeding still. You’re hair is turning a little red, even.” 

“It’s alright, Buck, I’ve had worse. And the cut will scab over soon enough, the serum made all the healing processes speed up.” Steve takes Bucky’s hand away from his forehead, and just keeps Bucky’s hand in his hand. Like it’s that easy.

But maybe it is that easy, maybe it is easy to be close with Steve and not feel bad about it. Maybe it is that easy to squeeze Steve’s hand and apologize for how he left, for how he handles his emotional trauma in a less than ideal way. Maybe it is that easy to let Steve see him cry, to let Steve see him in a vulnerable state and not want to run the other way. 

“Do you want to go home with me? We can talk more there.” Steve offers, and Bucky quickly accepts his offer. 

They come up from behind the plant, and it’s chaos. It’s manageable chaos, and all the aliens seem to be dead, but the buildings around them are going to need a lot of work. Steve turns him toward the direction of what is probably his apartment, and they run into Sam. 

Of course Bucky knows Sam. Sam is a very close friend of Steve’s, he works at the VA and helps a lot of people, and he looks to be very angry at Bucky right now. 

“Hi, Bucky. What are you doing with Steve?” Sam’s voice is clipped and to the point. 

“Well- he, uh, I just-” 

“We’re going home, Sam. He killed one of the aliens that was attacking me, and then we talked, and now we’re going home.” Steve gives Sam some kind of  _ look _ , a ‘we’ll talk later, just let me have this’ kind of look, and Sam seems to oblige.

“Don’t think this means you’re off the hook, Barnes!” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Sam.” Bucky calls behind him. His newfound confidence is probably from the fact that Steve is now holding his hand.

He and Steve walk hand and hand down the broken streets of New York, and occasionally they’ll knock shoulders or shove each other into alien body parts that are lying around, and it’s good. Bucky knows they still have to talk about a lot of stuff, that not everything is magically fixed just because they kissed. They’ll have to communicate, work together on things, they have to talk about what happened in the year and a half they were apart. 

But for now it’s okay, now it’s okay that their only goal is to get home. 

 

\-- -- -- -- -- 

 

“No, Sam, it’s- we’re okay. We talked behind the plant, and he explained that he thought he was being selfish, that he was like a burden when he visited.” 

There is a long pause, and Bucky gathers that Steve and Sam are talking over the phone. Bucky could get up right now, but he’s so tired and it’s been so long since he’s had good sleep. He rolls over and stuffs his face in Steve’s pillow, it smells so much like Steve, and tries to bring himself back to sleep. 

“I know that doesn’t excuse it, and he knows that too. We couldn’t talk about everything while we were out there.” 

Bucky is nosy, he always has been, and Steve must be right outside his door because Bucky can hear everything without trying. He knows that he should tell Steve that he can hear him, but Steve’s bed is so warm and Bucky would be lying if he said he didn’t want to hear this conversation. 

“We just slept. He- Sam you should have seen him. He was so tired, like he hadn’t slept in a long time. I couldn’t make him talk when he was practically dead on his feet.” 

Another pause. Bucky would really like to know what Sam was saying on the other end, but he doesn’t think Sam would be cool with that at this point. 

“Sam, you know that I love him. I- you saw how I was when I was looking for him, when I thought they got him again. He’s back Sam, he’s  _ here _ again. I’m trying.” 

“You’re a good friend, Sam. I really appreciate you and everything you do to help me. I promise to call you later, alright? Okay, okay, bye.” 

Bucky doesn’t pretend to be asleep when Steve enters the room, but he doesn’t make any effort to leave bed. Steve accepts this with a nod and joins Bucky in his bed.

“How long have you been awake?” Steve doesn’t look nervous exactly, but he could be more relaxed. He shouldn’t be nervous about that phone call, he didn’t say anything wrong. 

“You thought they got me again?” It’s an answer and a question all in one. 

“Well, yeah. I hadn’t found the goodbye letter yet, and you never came back. I looked around and stuff, and I used some favors to get people to look for you. They never came up with anything that said HYDRA had gotten you, so I backed off. Just assumed you wanted to disappear after all this time.” 

Bucky has a lot of regrets, some of them he’ll never tell to another living soul, but this has to be one of his biggest regrets. He made Steve HYDRA took him back, that all the work they both went through was for nothing. That Bucky was completely gone again, and it was all over again. The thought of that has Bucky shaking for obvious reasons, but for Steve, Bucky can only imagine how hard he must have spiraled. 

“God, I’m so sorry. I never- I didn’t want-”

“No, Bucky, you don’t have to do this.” 

“I do, Steve, I have to apologize. I’m sorry for how I left, I really thought I was doing the right thing. That doesn’t excuse it, and I don’t expect it to. I just- I’m really sorry for scaring you and hurting you.” 

Steve takes a deep breath, probably thinking if he should keep fighting the apology or accept it. Bucky hopes he accepts the apology, that Steve knows that not everything he does is okay, that he fucks up and that he knows that. 

“Thank you, Buck. But no more apologies, okay? All is forgiven now.”

__  
**& &&&&** __  
_ Samson went back to bed _ __  
_ Not much hair left on his head _ __  
_ Ate a slice of wonderbread and went right back to bed _ __  
_ Oh, we couldn't bring the columns down _ __  
_ Yeah we couldn't destroy a single one _ __  
_ And history books forgot about us _ __  
_ And the bible didn't mention us, not even once _ __  
  


Bucky is no fool. He knows he is traumatized, he knows that he was abused for decades, and that what HYDRA did is despicable. But that doesn’t make his bad days any better. 

He woke up early this morning from a nightmare, something bone chilling and soul crushing, and didn’t want to fall back asleep. He layed in bed, upright against the headboard, eyes cold and hand centimeters from the knife he keeps in his bedside drawer for hours. He only allowed himself to move when Steve woke up, he moved his flesh hand into Steve’s hair to offer comfort to Steve, and maybe give himself a little comfort too. 

Steve noticed that something was wrong right away. Bucky is usually awake before Steve anyways, but he is usually less rigid when Steve wakes up. Steve asked if he wanted to talk about the nightmare, and Bucky genuinely thought about his answer. He knows that Steve read his file, so Steve already knows what he did. He knows how savage he was, how brutal and unforgiving he had become. But Bucky knows for a fact that not all of his kills are listed in the file, especially the one he just had a nightmare about. He double checked and triple checked when he didn’t see it listed in the file. 

“Maybe later.” Bucky mumbled. 

Steve nods his understanding and asks if there is anything else Bucky needs, anything that he wants. Steve isn’t a stranger to trauma either, but his trauma and Bucky’s trauma are a little different. They require different mentalities, two different coping mechanisms. Two different people with different needs come out of two different kinds of traumas.

Bucky slowly moves his hand toward Steve’s hand, and Steve gets the hint. Steve twines their fingers together and lets Bucky squeeze as hard as he needs to. It’s a way to know that he has Steve here, that Steve also has him here, a way to anchor him when he feels like everything he knows right now is slipping out from under him. 

 

\-- -- -- -- -- 

 

Bucky hands Steve the scissors and electric razor and asks a question with his eyes. Steve asks if he’s sure, and Bucky nods and sits between his knees. 

Even with his back facing Steve, Bucky can still tell that he’s nervous. He can reassure Steve about this, he just needs to explain. Steve will understand then. It’s just the words are challenging, it’s hard to form coherent thoughts when he’s in this headspace, but Steve is patient and he will let Bucky take his time. Bucky can do this, for himself and for Steve. 

“I don’t- I can’t have a reminder of what HYDRA did to me. Sometimes I look in the mirror- I just see the Winter Soldier. The hair is a reminder. It reminds me of what I did, what they did to me. I think- it would help if it was gone, if my hair was short again. Like before the war.”

Steve squeezes his shoulder, his flesh and blood shoulder, “Of course, Bucky. Whatever you need.” 

Steve is not a professional hairdresser, but he did cut his own hair back before the war. And Steve is the only person who Bucky would trust with scissors so close to his neck and head. Bucky doesn’t know how Steve does it exactly, he’s in and out of focusing for the most part, but he does snap back into focus everytime the scissors  _ snip _ too close to his ears. He doesn’t make any motions that it effects him, but he does have to focus on calming his heart rate down everytime.

Steve brushes all the hair off his shoulders and the back of his neck when he is done, and walks with Bucky to the bathroom mirror to see what it looks like. Steve looks extremely anxious when Bucky is in front of the mirror, but Bucky doesn’t have the words to tell him not to worry.

He still has his five o’clock shadow, he doesn’t know how he feels about that yet, and he has his old haircut back. He looks like Bucky Barnes, friend of skinny Steve Rogers and brother to Becca Barnes. Not Bucky Barnes, former brainwashed assassin who is now in recovery. 

He tears up a little at the sight. He knows that not being able to return to his old self is not a bad thing, it’s not his fault that he can’t be the old Bucky again. But God, does he want to. He wants to so badly, but he can’t because he’s not that guy anymore. He won’t be that guy ever again. 

“Why are you crying? Oh God, you hate it, don’t you?.” Steve looks incredibly nervous, and Bucky thinks he would be too if their roles were reversed. 

“No, I like it. It makes me look like the old me, and I- I got emotional.” Bucky gives a self-deprecating laugh, and continues to stare at his reflection.

“You know...you know that you don’t ever need to be that person again. No one expects you to, Bucky. And you can’t expect that of yourself either.” Steve is slowly rubbing his metallic shoulder, and Bucky can feel the pressure of it, but he really knows it’s happening because he can see it in the mirror. It’s nice to be able to see it, to be able to confirm that he is in this moment.

“I know that, I just.” Bucky doesn’t know how to put it into comprehensible words, into language that will make sense. He can think about it just fine, he can ruminate about it a hundred times a day, but he can’t for the life of him talk about it fluently. 

Steve looks worried, he has his worried face on. His eyebrows are pulled together slightly, his eyes are wider than normal, and his hands are still rubbing Bucky’s shoulder. He’s fidigity.

“I would just like to be the old Bucky again. I know that I don’t have to be and all that shit, but it would be nice. I’d be nice to just, I don’t know, just be a free soul. To not have anything weighing on me all the time.”

Steve looks like he is thinking hard about something. Bucky knows that Steve knows that he can’t fix this problem, and Bucky knows that Steve went through the same thing when he came back. But it also isn’t the same, because their experiences on ice were very different, and there isn’t any way around that.

“When I came back, I wanted the same thing. I didn’t want to remember what had happened during the war, and I definitely didn’t wanna remember what I did. People- they just expected me to be me again, and of course no one really knew me before, so they just assumed that I was always like this. And yes I was always reckless and stubborn-”

“No shit, had to pull you out of a hundred back alley fights and nurse you back to health after you went too hard. You never learned.” 

Steve rolls his eyes fondly, and continues. “But my behavior was just so… so unhealthy. I wanted to  _ die _ , Bucky, I went into fights and put myself into dangerous situations on purpose, hoping for the worst. No one saw that, and no one thought to get help for Captain America. Because that’s who I had become, I was only Captain America to them.”

Bucky knew this, he knew that Steve was careless on purpose. He saw news clips, he read about it in books, he heard stories from Sam. He had seen it with his own two eyes, when Steve went in the helicarrier expecting,  _ hoping _ , to die from the Winter Soldier. Even though he knows this already, it doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking to hear. He spins around in Steve’s hold, making Steve’s hand fall to the middle of Bucky’s back. They’re hugging now, and Bucky never wants to let go. He never wants to lose this moment.

“I ain’t explaining this right. I just want to say that it’ll be hard. It’s not easy living with two different lifetimes in your head. It’s not easy to integrate all those personality traits, memories, phrases,  _ whatever _ . But know that you aren’t alone, that you don’t have to go through all this alone.” 

Bucky nods tearfully into Steve’s shoulder, and prays that Steve doesn’t comment on the sudden wetness of his shirt. Bucky knew that he wasn’t alone, he knew that he had Steve’s love, Sam’s teasing friendship, and Natasha’s brutal honesty. It’s nice to be reminded though, when his brain is playing tricks on him and making him doubt everything he has now. Steve always knows, even when Bucky doesn’t tell him, Steve always knows.

In a watery voice, Bucky answers. “I do know that, I just- It’s good to be reminded. Thank you.” It goes unsaid, but the thank you is for a lot more than the hug, or the words of comfort. It’s a thank you for never letting Bucky feel lost, never letting him feel alone, for helping when Bucky gets lost in his head. For always being a guiding hand when Bucky is confused, for allowing Bucky to come back into his life. 

“God, Bucky, I’ll remind you everyday if you need it. I- I want to help you.” 

Steve, self righteous and always giving, a man who always puts himself second for the needs of others. Bucky wants to help him too, he knows they can help each other. “I want to help you too, Steve. You don’t always have to be strong, for me or for anyone else. You can have your bad days, you can put yourself first, you can be Steve Rogers again if you want to.”

Bucky wipes the silent tears that are falling down Steve’s face. They don’t need words in this moment. They don’t need to fill time, they don’t need to fill the empty space that surrounds them. They never did. They’re both content, they’re both happy but sad, and they’re both going to be okay.

 

**& &&&&** __  
_ You are my sweetest downfall _ _  
_ __ I loved you first

 

Bucky and Steve are back on their rooftop. Not the same one from 1938, but the rooftop of their shared apartment building. They’re watching the sunrise together, and Bucky is thinking about the time they watched the sunrise back then, and a glance at Steve confirms that he is thinking about the same moment. A lot has changed, but at the same time, Bucky and Steve are still Bucky and Steve, so a lot is the same. 

Neither of them are drunk, but they’re still holding each other like this is the only moment they have together. They don’t have to come up to a rooftop to openly show their affection for one another, but it’s nice to have a quiet place for it. Steve and Bucky, Bucky and Steve. They are always going to be themselves, just altered versions. 

“Do you remember when we did this in ‘38? Stayed out all night, gettin’ drunk like fools.” Steve always asks if Bucky remembers things they did, a courtesy more than anything. Bucky is slowly and painfully getting his memories back, so the answer is usually yes, with some ‘no’s mixed in for good measure. 

“Yeah, I do. I was just thinking about that, actually.” Bucky laughs, loves how in sync they both are. It’s a good feeling, to have this connection that he thought he had lost forever. It’s good, things are good. 

“Can I tell you something sad?” 

“You know you can, you don’t have to ask me that.” This seems serious, like this confession is something that Bucky should remember for future nights. 

“When I got back, in 2012, I was in such a bad place. I missed you, I missed Peggy, I missed my mom. I was just- I kept reliving everything that had happened. I couldn’t sleep, so I came up here, and I remembered something that you said to me once.”

Steve shifts so his arm is behind his head, his eyes blinking a little too fast. “You said that you thought people’s souls turn into stars when they go to heaven. That the brighter the star, the brighter the soul had been on Earth.” 

Bucky is getting a little choked up now, remembering the emotions that had been poured into that speech. “Yeah, I do remember saying that.”

“I came up here and I saw two bright stars right next to each other. Had to be the brightest in the sky. I thought that you had finally found ma, that your souls had finally found each other up there and we’re together.”

“Oh, Stevie.” Bucky whispers. He wants to run his fingers through Steve’s hair, give him some kind of physical comfort, but he can wait until Steve initiates it. He can wait until Steve gives any kind of indication that that’s what he wants. 

“I wanted to join the both of you.” A slow sob makes its way through Steve’s body, and Bucky wipes away a few tears once the sentence sinks in. “I knew I could do it, I was already on the roof. But the longer I looked at the stars, I just- I couldn’t anymore.” 

“Steve.  _ Stevie _ , look at me.” They’re both teary eyed, they’re both vulnerable beyond belief. “You said to me, ‘I loved you long before anything else’ back in ‘38. I’ve loved you long before anything else too, and that isn’t changing anytime soon.” 

Steve nods, and Bucky doesn’t have the words yet, so he just nods back. It’s emotional, it’s heartbreaking, it’s cathartic. They’re holding each other on a city rooftop, wiping their wet faces on each other’s shoulders, and properly grieving something they should have been able to 70 years ago. 

Bucky loves holding his soulmate as much as the next guy does, but he thinks they have to change positions if they ever want to move on with their early morning. Bucky shifts them until his back is to the ledge, and Steve’s head is resting on his shoulder, and they watch the sky turn from dark blue to orange and to a lighter blue. It’s representative of their path, and Bucky pulls Steve closer to him as they finally hear the morning birds sing their song. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!!!! comments and kudos are always appreciated <3
> 
> for even more emo character exploration of bucky, im wlwpeggycarter on tumblr


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